Scrubs My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby Dr Turner
The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Best Friend's Infant's Baby and My Baby'south Baby".
Act
Contents
- 1 Act
- ii Act
- 2.i Scene
- ii.2 Scene
- 2.3 Scene
- ii.four Scene
- 2.5 Scene
- 2.6 Scene
- iii Human action
- 3.1 Scene
- 3.2 Scene
- 3.three Scene
- 3.4 Scene
- 3.5 Scene
- iv Navigate
SACRED Eye -- ADMISSIONS A larger adult female is at the desk, with Jack standing in front of her.
Jack: [Pointing and singing] You're a fat fatty fat fat fat fatty fat fatty fatty!
Dr. Cox comes over.
Woman: What's your son doing?
Dr. Cox: Apparently he'south doing the "fat dance." [Picks Jack up.] Inappropriate? Well, maybe. But I'k raising my son to be a direct-shooter. That's his mom, right over there.
He points over to Jordan leaning in the doorway.
Jordan: Ohh, thanks for including me.
The woman shakes her head. Cox grins proudly at his kid and carries him off.
J.D.'south Narration: Dr. Cox and Jordan weren't the only ones with child troubles. My make new girlfriend was significant, and we were trying to decide what to do.
Cut to... KIM'Southward Flat J.D. and Kim sit adjacent on the couch.
J.D.: Should we go on it or become rid of it?
Kim: I dunno. If we keep it, information technology'll only end upwardly in the dumpster. [Reveal the last slice of pizza in the box in front of them.] Okay! Enough pizza talk -- I hateful, nosotros're conspicuously stalling, here.
J.D.: You're right.
Kim: So, uh, let's go.... Um.... Exercise you like kids?
J.D.: Of course I exercise! What about y'all? Any nieces or nephews?
Kim: Yeah, I take a nephew. Although he'southward forty-five. But occasionally I practise take to change his diaper -- he was kicked by a horse.
J.D.: Oh, no!
Kim: Yeah. Now, how do yous feel nearly adoption?
-
- FANTASY
BAR -- TWENTY-SOME YEARS IN THE Hereafter A common salt-&-pepper-haired, mustachioed J.D. leans in to await at the necklace on the hot blonde before him.
Former J.D.: So cute! I promise y'all keep some ice in this locket, 'cause y'all're making me hot all over!
Girl: Actually, it's the only picture I accept of my biological begetter. D'you wanna see information technology?
She opens it up and nosotros see a picture of young J.D. doing a stupid finger bespeak. Older J.D. didn't catch a glimpse, because he was looking off towards someone else in the bar, doing his stupid finger point.
Old J.D.: What? Oh! Sure! Uh, I'll take a expect at it -- first matter tomorrow morn, huh?
-
- BACK TO REALITY
J.D.: Yeah, I'm not a big fan of adoption.
Kim: You think if information technology's a girl, y'all'd doink her?
J.D.: I know I volition.
Kim: Yep. All right, well, look, we don't need to make this conclusion tonight, right? I hateful, plenty of time.
J.D.: I'm totally fine with stalling.
His phone rings, and he answers it.
Kim: Dandy! 'Cause if I hear the give-and-take "babe" one more than time, I'm gonna lose it!
Meanwhile... SACRED HEART -- HALL Turk's on the other end of the phone.
Turk: Dude! Carla's in labor! Meet me at the flat! Go! Get! Go! Become! Go!
He runs off downwards the hall.
Cut to... TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT Elliot is on the couch with Carla, monitoring her progress, equally Turk comes out of the bedroom in his casual clothes.
Turk: [Panicked] Is he coming? Is he coming!?
Elliot: Turk, she'due south barely in labor.
Carla: Oh, he'due south non talking about the baby.
The front end door bursts open up, and J.D. and Kim enter.
Turk: He'south hither! And now we tin have our baby!
J.D.: Okay, Brown Bear, commence Operation Brown Cub! Suitcase!
Turk: [Holding upwardly a purse] Check.
J.D.: Fashionable big daddy hat!
Turk: [Donning a feathered fedora] Check.
J.D.: Big-time collegiate drum-line!
Cut to... STREET Turk stands in front of the percussionists of a marching band.
Turk: Check!
The ring starts up.
Turk: I desire the whole world to know my baby's having a baby!
Turk and J.D. trip the light fantastic toe to the beat.
Carla: [To Elliot, over the noise] Maybe we should simply have your car!
The ring pauses and resumes with a beat that leads in to...
Act
Scene
SACRED HEART -- MATERNITY CENTER WAITING ROOM Turk and J.D. rush in the forepart door, conveying a pocket-size paper purse.
J.D.: 'Kay, ladies, nosotros're here; at-home down.
They run across up with Carla, Elliot, and Kim at the desk.
Carla: What the hell took you and then long? [Noticing the bag] Oh, my God, did you end for food?
Kim: [Gasps.]
Turk: We had to, honey. J.D. promised the band that we'd feed them.
-
- FLASHBACK
FAST Nutrient Bulldoze-THRU -- EARLIER The whole band is lined up behind the mini, a couple drummers continuing in the back seat (one lightly drumming), equally J.D. orders from the squawk-box.
J.D.: Yeah, let me get 20-3 cheeseburgers, twenty-three milkshakes-- [turns to the drummer] Miguel, if y'all don't end drumming, you lot're not getting fries. [Miguel stops.] [Back to the box] Twenty-three fri-- [Miguel starts again.] You lot know what, 20-two fries. Twenty-two fries -- you didn't think I'd practise it, did you.
-
- Back TO Nowadays
J.D.: Miguel has such raw talent, just his mental attitude keeps getting in the way.
The girls stare at him, incredulous.
Elliot: Unbelievable.
The Sullivan-Cox family comes in, Perry with a bouquet of flowers in mitt.
Dr. Cox: Yay, congratulations, whoopee, all right, see ya.
He shoves the bouquet at Carla and starts to walk dorsum out.
Hashemite kingdom of jordan: [Stopping him] Eh eh eh eh eh. Heh heh.
He groans and takes Jack over to the chairs.
Jordan: Nosotros are and so happy for you!
From nowhere, a spray of dirt hits Kim in the face, with some getting Elliot and Carla as well. Jack is revealed to take uprooted a potted plant, spinning in circles with the stalk.
Jack: [Unprofessional mumbling.] Subtitle: I'm a helicopter, I'one thousand a helicopter, I'm a helicopter.
Kim: He'southward and then sweet!
Jordan: Mm.
Kim: [Pulling J.D. aside] Yous put one of those inside me! What are we gonna do?
She goes off to clean up.
Carla: Turk, you brought my suitcase, right?
He stops and thinks.
Meanwhile... TURK & CARLA'Southward Apartment BUILDING The handbag sits on the sidewalk.
Meanwhile... MATERNITY Centre
Turk: Of form I have your suitcase, honey.
He turns from her and walks a few paces away, stopping in the heart of the waiting room and endmost his eyes.
J.D.: What are you doing?
Turk: Sometimes when you need a miracle, you have to pray actress-actress difficult. You wanna help me out?
J.D.: Fo' shizzle.
They hold hands and clasp their eyes close.
Meanwhile... TURK & CARLA'Southward Flat BUILDING A golden retriever happens upon the abandoned bag and picks it up in his oral fissure.
Nosotros follow him through the forest...
To the front end doors of the infirmary, where he carries the bag in.
Meanwhile... MATERNITY CENTER WAITING ROOM Turk and J.D. keep praying.
Turk: Please, Lord.
The canis familiaris comes in and drops the bag at their feet, and so scampers off.
But and so, an unsavory fellow happens past and notices the guys' airtight eyes. He takes the opportunity to steal the bag at their feet and run off.
The guys finally open their eyes and look around, disappointed.
Turk: Cipher! [Sighs, steeling himself] Okay. [Turns back to the desk] Baby! Changed my mind. Don't take your suitcase.
Carla: Turk! What the hell?
Elliot: It'southward okay. It'south okay, Carla, considering I [lifts a unlike bag] packed you an actress overnight bag, and you lot're all checked in, and I got you an orderly to take you to your room.
The orderly wheels the chair over to Jordan.
Hashemite kingdom of jordan: Yeah, I'm merely 4 months pregnant, ace.
Carla: Oh, yes, I think you're looking for me.
Hashemite kingdom of jordan: [To the orderly] Motion information technology along before I eat you! Chop chop.
Scene
MATERNITY Middle HALL Dr. Cox bangs on the unresponsive ice machine.
Dr. Cox: Ah. Sorry, Jack, the machine's cleaved. Looks like you're gonna have to guzzle your juice down without any ice. Pretend, um.... You know, pretend it's gin.
Jack: [Backside him] What's gin?
Dr. Cox: [Bending down to him] Gin is an alcoholic drink which, if your mommy's stiff genes are whatever indication, y'all'll eventually learn to love equally it slowly destroys a behemothic portion of your adult life.
Jack walks back towards the waiting room as Cox, snickering, stands back up to Hashemite kingdom of jordan.
Jordan: First the fat lady, now this? He's three, Perry! Do you have to be then blunt with him?
Dr. Cox: I'm not gonna B.S. my own child. What's the big deal?
Dr. Kelso stops on his way through and bends downwardly to Jack.
Dr. Kelso: Hiya, sport!
Jack: Your skin is wrinkly.
Dr. Kelso: Yeah? Well that shirt y'all're wearing is gay!
He stands and walks off, grin devilishly.
Scene
BIRTHING ROOM Elliot is at Carla's bedside as Turk rushes in with a camera on a tripod, which he sets up at the foot of the bed.
Turk: Hey, baby. I know things haven't exactly gone smoothly so far, but I promise you lot I'one thousand nearly to brand information technology up to you. I spent all weekend talking to my cousin who just so happens to be the globe's biggest blerd. [They give him a questioning await.] It's a black nerd.
Elliot: Ohhh.
Turk: Anyway, he taught me everything virtually streaming video; and at present, thank you to me, your sisters in Chicago will exist able to witness the nativity of our child live via webcam!
Carla: Turk! That's so sweetness!
Turk: You know, I do what I practice. All we gotta do is wait for the cameraman to get here.
Carla: Camera man? Nuh-uh! No man'southward gonna me filming my pooter unless he's completely asexual!
Ted: [Entering] Hullo!
Carla: Oh! Hey, Ted! Cool.
Turk: All right. I'ma become tell your sisters that this bad boy is virtually to pop off.
He leaves, passing Carla's gynecologist on his way in.
Dr. Matthews: All right, Carla. Let's bank check how dilated you lot are.
Ted: [Positioning the camera] Looking existent good, Carla. Okay, nosotros're live in three, two, 1....
Meanwhile... DOCTORS' LOUNGE Todd looks up at the TV which is suddenly dissemination Dr. Matthews lifting Carla's canvas.
Dr. Matthews: [On TV] Okay. Looks like you're at nigh iii centimeters.
Todd: Greatest evidence ever!
Meanwhile... DR. KELSO'S OFFICE He glances up at his Boob tube.
Dr. Kelso: [Grabbing the remote] And...record.
Meanwhile... ADMISSIONS Janitor stops his mopping when he notices the Tv.
Janitor: Absurd! Swamp affair!
Meanwhile... Maternity Middle WAITING ROOM Jack stares at the TV as Cox and Jordan sit reading.
Jack: What's that, daddy?
Dr. Cox: [Looking upwards] Oh, that's the vagina of a 35-year-sometime Latina woman.
Turk comes in and notices the Goggle box.
Turk: Baby?
Meanwhile... BIRTHING ROOM In the midst of her deep breathing, Carla catches a glimpse of her TV and stops. She shimmies to the left...then the right...then all around.
Carla: What the!?!?
Suddenly, Turk bursts in, tackling Ted and the camera to the flooring.
Scene
NURSES' STATION J.D. and Kim are at the desk-bound.
Kim: J.D., we take to talk about all of our pregnancy options, fifty-fifty if they brand the states uncomfortable. There'due south one mode of dealing with this that no one'southward mention however.... The A-word.
J.D.: I know....
J.D.: Appletinis & Kim: Abortions.
Kim: What?
J.D.: I thought that we could discuss abortion over appletinis.
Nurse Roberts: [Scooting her chair over] Did somebody just say "abortion"?
J.D. points accusingly at Kim.
Kim: [Sighs.] Laverne, with all due respect, this is none of your business organization. Or Jesus'southward.
Nurse Roberts: [Plunking a Jesus statue on the desk] I believe He would beg to differ.
-
- FANTASY
The statue comes to life.
Jesus: She'south right, J.D. Every life is precious.
J.D.: But what if having this baby is a huge fault for u.s.a.?
Jesus: [Sighs and rubs his eyes] Okay, I'grand gonna make this real simple: No abortions, okay?
J.D.: Simply what if--
Jesus: [Sing-songy] No abortions!
J.D.: Lemme finish! What if the parents were like abusive drug addicts who would fail their kids?
Jesus: Oh, well, in that case it'd be okay.
J.D.: Actually?
Jesus: NO ABORTIONS! How are you non getting this!?
-
- BACK TO REALITY
Kim: This sucks. I hateful, the hardest decision I've had to make in the last twelvemonth was what hairstyle to get. And even so, all I did was open up an U.s. Magazine, close my eyes and selection a random celebrity.
J.D.: Kirsten Dunst?
Kim: Owen Wilson.
J.D.: Ohhh!
Kim: Aye.
They turn and walk down the hall together.
Kim: You lot know what's making this and then hard? This human relationship is and then new, nosotros tin can't tell if we have a chance of making this work long-term.
J.D.: You know what might give us an inkling? We haven't technically had sex nevertheless. That might help us observe out if we're on the same folio...y'all know...in the boudoir.
Kim: Are y'all striking on me?
J.D.: I'm deplorable, I'm being an idiot, aren't I.
Kim: Nope. Dress off. Nosotros're doing it.
She kicks open the On-Call Room door behind her and pulls him in.
J.D.: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...!
The door slams shut. A few seconds after, it opens again.
J.D.: ...Yeah! [They come dorsum out, tidying their unkempt selves.] All right, we are definitely sexually uniform. I'g putting that down in the pro-"let's have a infant" category.
Kim: That's--that's exactly what we should do -- we should make a list of pros and cons.
-
- FANTASY
Jesus stands on the nearby handrail.
Jesus: What did yous ii but do? Because I sure don't come across any nuptials rings!
-
- BACK TO REALITY
J.D. grabs and holds up the statue.
J.D.: Laverne? Is this your Jesus?
Scene
BIRTHING ROOM Elliot is rubbing Carla's back as she stares daggers at Turk. Todd enters.
Todd: Turk, I got your shift covered and so y'all could hang here. Oh, and Carla, in that location's something I wanted to tell y'all.... Oh: Great vagina!
Turk: [Mad] So helpful!
Carla: Don't take it out on The Todd! He was just giving me a compliment! Thank you, Todd.
Todd: Hey, happy to say information technology.
He leaves.
Carla: Then what's side by side, Turk? Because so far, I'm half deaf from a drum-line, I accept no suitcase, and the entire hospital has seen Miss Priscilla! [Elliot gives her a wait.] I named her after my high school art teacher.
Elliot: Oh, my God! So did I! [Sighs, cornball] Mr. Hebbler. [Gravel-voiced in fake, to Carla's crotch] "It's prissy to meet you!"
Carla: Ew.
Scene
DOCTORS' LOUNGE J.D. and Kim sit next on the couch, with notepads in their laps.
Kim: Okay, allow me simply read the final of the cons: Nosotros're not married, we're both totally focused on our careers, babies are known to exist glutinous, and the boilerplate cost of raising a child is four-hundred-thou dollars.
J.D.: Okay. Here are the final pros: Kids are great --
Kim: Yes.
J.D.: -- we both make skilful money --
Kim: Yes.
J.D.: -- your boobs'll get huge --
Kim: Truthful.
J.D.: -- I can finally buy Beanie Babies without feeling weird, and kids are corking!
Kim: Which nosotros already said.
J.D.: [Calculation] Tax deductions!
Kim: Ohhh! Nice one! & J.D.: Ohhh! Yeah! That'due south some--
Kim: All correct, so then what's the final tally?
J.D.: Nice. Let'southward see, that's twenty cons and nineteen pros. I guess we gotta abort.
Kim: Yeah.
J.D.: Await, I'yard sorry. [Flicking his pad] That'southward an eyelash, I made a wish. It's a tie -- abortion's off.
Kim: Okay, so now what?
Matt Nathanson'due south "I Saw" starts.
J.D.'due south Narration: Every couple has its share of bug.
Meanwhile... HALL The Sullivan-Cox family walks through.
Jordan: Congrats, Perry. My son merely asked me if my vagina had ever been on idiot box.
Dr. Cox: And did y'all tell him not since the late 'eighties when you were trying to make it equally [air quotes] "an actress"?
J.D.'s Narration: Whether it's someone digging in...
Hashemite kingdom of jordan: Volition you lot simply cut the crap and stop treating your son like he's your drinking buddy?
Dr. Cox: Look, I'm non going to change who I am, all correct? End o' story. [Turns to his lagging kid] Jacky. [Whistles.]
Meanwhile... BIRTHING ROOM Elliot finishes lighting a agglomeration of candles spread effectually Carla's room.
J.D.'s Narration: ...or someone stealing your thunder.
Elliot: Okay, candles are all lit -- lavender scented, your favorite. And here's a picture of your mom to watch over y'all [places it on the table]. And and then I've got this kit [lifts a big box] in instance you want to bronze the umbilical string and apply it for a keychain. [Holds upward a keychain] I proficient at home on some calamari.
Carla: [Admiring the keychain] Elliot, y'all're astonishing.
Turk: We--hey, is at that place annihilation I tin do to help?
Carla: Elliot'due south got everything covered.
Elliot smiles proudly. At a loss, Turk leaves the room.
♪ And I'll forget near you long enough to forget why I need to ♪
Meanwhile... DOCTORS' LOUNGE J.D. and Kim sit down with their useless lists.
J.D.'southward Narration: Still, zippo'southward worse than facing the biggest conclusion of your life and not getting anywhere.
Kim: [Pulling a coin from her pocket] Don't you wish it was this easy -- head's yes, tail'southward no.
She flips the coin in the air, and they watch it with great interest as it plummets to the table top.
♪ I swear I saw you opening up again / 'Cause I would be heavenly / if infant yous'd just rescue me at present ♪
The coin spins for an eternity before finally stopping -- right on its edge.
J.D.: You don't run across that every day.
Kim looks off as J.D. desperately and futilely blows at the unbudging coin.
Act
Scene
DOCTORS' LOUNGE J.D. and Kim stare alee (possibly still at the freaky coin).
Kim: [Snapping out of it] You know what? We're getting nowhere. Let'southward carve up upwardly for an hour and do some soul-searching.
She stands.
J.D.: Where're you going?
Kim: Oh, I was just gonna walk around. Why? Where do you lot go when you soul-search?
J.D. looks off.
-
- FLASHBACK
J.D.'S BEDROOM Tinkly spiritual music plays equally J.D., in his jammies, whips the blanket off a 2- to iii-pes-alpine stuffed unicorn. He sits on its back.
J.D.: All correct, Justin. What should my specialty be, oncology or radiology?
He lowers his head to listen.
-
- Back TO Nowadays
J.D.: [Dreamily] I go someplace wonderful.
Scene
MATERNITY CENTER WAITING ROOM Dr. Cox sits next to Jordan, trying to read the newspaper equally she natters on.
Jordan: Anyhow, I was thinking nosotros demand new table linens for the dining room. Well, not and so much table linens as placemats. What do retrieve's prettier, burgundy or mauve?
She continues, simply is drowned out by...
Dr. Kelso: [Stopping next to Cox] What the hell'due south with her?
Dr. Cox: She's mad. Merely she can't give me the silent treatment because she knows I'd actually love that, so she's giving me the talk-until-I-want-to-commit-suicide handling.
Dr. Kelso: Sucks to be you.
Dr. Cox: You have no idea.
Kelso continues on.
Jordan: [Continuing] ...What else do I need for that? Oh, I need new pillow shams. And I--I similar cotton fiber, simply I recall we should get a cotton wool alloy because that's easier to clean, and I hate ironing. [Cox takes a huge bite out of his newspaper.] Possibly we need a new housekeeper. Perchance the housekeeper should come every unmarried 24-hour interval now.
Meanwhile... Beyond THE ROOM Turk, Elliot, and Keith are standing together.
Turk: Await, Elliot, I'1000 really trying to be involved in the birth of my kid, merely you just proceed battle me out.
Elliot: That is not true. Now, outta my way -- I've gotta order the birth announcements, put in the carseat, and find a thousand to bury the placenta. [Realizing] Oh, my God, I'm a monster! Turk, I am so sorry -- I just dearest babies and so much.
Keith: It's true. Sometimes she makes me wear a diaper.
Elliot: Keith! Private!
Cut to... HALL -- Water ice MACHINE Turk and J.D. are hither.
J.D.: So what is Elliot's plan?
Turk: Ah, it'south really simple: See, when Carla says "I'm thirsty," Elliot'll say, "Oh no, I forgot the ice chips." That's when I walk in, water ice in hand, and I say, "Christopher Turk, at your cervix!"
J.D.: Ahh! Should I have a baby, too?
Turk: You know, I'm a lilliputian preoccupied right at present. Why don't you ask your unicorn?
J.D.: [Dreamy] Ah, this is way over Justin's head. He'south never been in beloved. Not real dear, anyway.
Turk: [Bangs on the motorcar] What'due south up with the water ice?
Meanwhile... BIRTHING ROOM Kim is in here with Elliot and Carla.
Kim: I don't know what to exercise. I mean, having a baby tin completely ruin your life, you know? Not to mention, as a urologist, I have seen what childbirth can do to yous downwards there. Heh. I hateful, I examined this i woman last calendar month and it was similar [imitating echo] "Hi...hello...how-do-you-do...hello..."
Carla: [Clutching Elliot's hand through a contraction] Not a good time, Kim! [Flops back on the bed, panting] Oh, God, I'm thirsty!
Elliot: Really? [Stilted] Uh.... Unfortunately...I forgot the water ice chips. [Looks over at the empty doorway.] ICE Chips!
Meanwhile... HALL -- Water ice MACHNIE Turk has his mitt jammed within the dispenser.
Turk: Dude, help! I'm totally stuck!
J.D.: Why don't you only yank it out?
Leonard, the claw-handed security guard, walks past.
Leonard: [Pointing his claw] I would non practise that.
Turk &: [Epiphanic] That'south how it happened! J.D.
Meanwhile... BIRTHING ROOM Elliot helps Carla through another contraction.
Elliot: [Screaming out to the hall] Ice chips! Water ice fries! Ice water ice! Fries fries!
Keith enters.
Keith: Hey, guys. Carla, permit me only run across how far you can attain hither. [Stretches out her arm, her fist just short of his face.] Okay, perfect. Turk would like you lot to telephone call him considering he's stuck in an ice car.
Carla: What?!?!
She takes a swing at him, but misses.
Keith: [To Kim] Encounter, that's why I took the precaution. Heh. [Carla grabs his hand and pulls him down into a headlock] Whooaah!
Carla: Kim, would you be a sweetie and give Turk a phone call for me?
Kim: [Taking the phone] Yes, ma'am.
Meanwhile... HALL -- ICE Machine Turk and J.D. are sitting on the floor in forepart of the machine.
Turk: [On his phone] Hey, baby, look, I-- ... Yeah, he--he's right hither. ... Hold on. [Hands his phone to J.D.] She won't talk to me.
J.D.: [Into phone] Hi. ... Aye, I know he missed your wedding, too. ... All right, hold on. [Slaps Turk across the face.] That was from her, non me.
Turk: Go.
J.D. stands, passing the telephone to the Janitor.
Janitor: [Into telephone] Relax, I'll accept him out in one second. [Puts the phone down, kneeling down next to Turk with a handsaw.] All right, hold still -- nobody likes a jagged stump.
Turk: NOOO!
Janitor: [Taking upwardly the phone again] He'due south being unreasonable. ... Okay.
He puts downwardly the saw and slaps Turk across the face.
Turk: Aaaaaggghhh!
Janitor brings his hand dorsum and slaps Turk beyond the other cheek.
Turk: Oh!
Janitor: That was from me.
Scene
Maternity Middle WAITING ROOM Kim is sitting by herself, lost in thought. J.D. comes in and takes a seat adjacent to her.
J.D.: Hey in that location.
Kim: Hey.
J.D.: Then...you decided what you wanna exercise? [Earlier she can answer] You know what, neither one of the states should have to go first. How nigh, on the count of three, nosotros both say what we call up we should do.
Kim: Okay.
J.D.: One, two, three.
Kim: I got nothing. & J.D.: Appletinis.
Jordan: [From a nearby chair, with Jack in her lap] So, yous guys gonna go along it?
Kim: Um, maybe...we--well, if we do--nosotros can--then we...maybe not. & J.D.: Um, we don't--prob--well, there's a lot to con--because--nosotros'll probably...maybe not.
Jordan: You know, I had an ballgame.
Before J.D. and Kim can recover from that access enough to respond, Cox walks in.
Dr. Cox: All right, Jacky, as promised, let's go find ourselves a li'fifty stethoscope so you tin can hear what your butt sounds like.
Jack: Daddy, what's an ballgame?
Jordan: Relish.
Cox picks Jack out of Jordan'southward lap.
Follow to... ADMISSIONS Cox carries Jack in, stopping at the front end desk-bound in front end of a couple nurses.
Jack: My mommy had an ballgame. My mommy had an ballgame. My mommy had an abortion. My mommy had an abortion --
Dr. Cox: [Grabbing a stethoscope] How yous doin'?
He goes on, leaving the nurses to give each other a confused look.
Jack: -- My mommy had an abortion...
Cut to... BIRTHING ROOM Elliot is on the cell phone equally Carla strains.
Elliot: [Into phone] Okay, Janitor, Carla's starting to push -- tell Turk.
Meanwhile... HALL -- Ice MACHINE Janitor has the telephone at his ear as his sits on the floor adjacent to the trapped Turk.
Janitor: [To Elliot] Got it. [To Turk] Your baby has a tail.
Turk: I told her to stay away from the microwave.
Meanwhile... BIRTHING ROOM
Carla: [Falling back] Ahhh! Elliot, I tin can't do it!
Elliot: Okay, okay. I want you to imagine that your uterus is like a tube of toothpaste, and you're just trying to squeeze out all that minty fresh gel. Just instead of minty fresh gel inside, there'south a little black baby.
Carla takes a swing at her, which Elliot quickly dodges.
Dr. Matthews: [To the nurse] We have a prolapsed umbilical cord. She needs a C-section correct now.
They chop-chop start getting Carla ready to be moved.
Carla: [Grabbing the jail cell phone] Put Turk on the phone, dammit!
Elliot: It's okay!
Carla: [Into phone] Babe! Listen. I'm not aroused that y'all got stuck -- I know y'all were simply trying to be nice, considering you're a good-hearted, wonderful, thoughtful human being. [They start wheeling her out.] But listen to me: They're giving me a C-department, and I'm really scared. And I demand you to be here right now!
Meanwhile... HALL -- Ice Automobile Turk apparently missed all that, considering information technology's the Janitor who however has the phone.
Janitor: [To Turk] Something near a C-section. [Holds up the phone] Smile!
Turk gives him an incredulous look every bit Janitor sticks out his tongue to the phone'due south camera and snaps a picture of the two of them.
Cut to... HALL / NURSES' STATION The nurses all plug their ears from the horrible screeching dissonance made by Turk and Janitor pushing the water ice machine across the floor towards the O.R.
Turk: [Grunts] About there.
Janitor: Most there.
They finally slide the back of the machine against the wall at the door of the O.R.
Turk: Baby! I'one thousand here!
Inside, Carla lays on the table as the doctors bustle around preparing her.
Carla: Turk! I'm scared!
Nurse: [Closing the door] Sorry, Dr. Turk. No ice machines.
Turk: Noo!
Scene
MATERNITY CENTER WAITING ROOM Jordan occupies a seat next to J.D. and Kim.
Hashemite kingdom of jordan: [Dreamily nostalgic] I was nineteen and working on Nantucket as a waitress, and dating this amazing guy named Andy...with curly blond hair and dimples and eyes that were either sky bluish...powder bluish -- I could never figure out which.... Anyway, his best friend, Curt, knocked me upwards. [J.D.'south and Kim'due south smiles disappear.] Don't await at me like that. That was the first guy I had ever slept with.
J.D.: Oh, we're not judging you.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Whore!
Hashemite kingdom of jordan: I think nigh it from fourth dimension to time, simply it would have been the biggest mistake to accept that baby.
Kim: We've talked, we've made lists, and we've been as logical as nosotros tin can here, and we've still got nothin'.
Jordan: It's not a logical determination. If information technology's right, you'll feel information technology in your heart.
J.D.: Yeah, but what if we don't experience annihilation?
Hashemite kingdom of jordan: Maybe that'due south your answer.
J.D.'s pager goes off and he looks at the brandish.
J.D.: Carla's having a C-department.
He and Kim stand up and head off. Jordan drops her eyes in idea every bit Dr. Cox carries Jack in.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, you...you lot okay?
Jack: My mommy had an abortion.
Jordan: She sure did, sweetie. [Cox and Jack sit down side by side to her.] How are my boys?
A pensive look gathers on Cox's face.
Scene
HALL -- Outside THE O.R. Turk peeks through the window in the door as J.D. comes up behind him.
J.D.: What's going on?
Turk: They're nearly to commencement.
J.D. peeks over Turk'due south shoulder through the window. Dr. Kelso stops on his way past, noticing the ice car predicament.
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton! If you lot are trying to get the same five million dollar settlement that damn hook-handed security guard got, you're outta luck, stud. Because I put a little release button right here on meridian.
He pushes the button and a stream of water ice pours out of the dispenser, releasing Turk's blue mitt in the process.
Turk: [Seeing his hand] Waaaaagggghhhh!
Dr. Kelso: Well, what are you waiting for, son? Go far there.
Turk turns and rushes into the room, where Carla is groggy but witting.
Turk: [Kissing her head] How you doin', beautiful?
Carla: Turk, y'all're here...! I'm so hot....
Turk: Oh, don't sweat it. I got ya.
He puts his ice-common cold bluish paw on her forehead.
Carla: Aaaahhhhh....
Foo Fighters' "Miracle" comes up.
Cut to... MATERNITY CENTER WAITING ROOM Elliot comes in, where all the friends are gathered.
Elliot: Guys. I have an declaration.
A drumroll starts.
J.D.: [To the drumming band member in the corner] Miguel, please!
Miguel stops.
Elliot: The baby's out, just the cord was wrapped around its neck, and then...we had to take it to the NICU.
J.D.'s Narration: They say y'all never realize your capacity to love until you have a child. It tin can modify who you are...
Jack: [Turning to his dad] Where do babies come up from?
Dr. Cox: "Where do babies come from?" Well.... [Looks at Jordan for a moment, then back to Jack] When a mommy and a daddy love each other very, very much, sometimes they close their optics...and they make a wish.
Jordan smiles.
Turk comes down the hall, entering the waiting room.
♪ I got my hands on a miracle ♪
J.D.'due south Narration: ...they can fill y'all with joy...
Turk: [Holding up his baby] Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to Isabella Turk. I'g a daddy. [Laughs.] I'yard a daddy!
Everyone happily stands and applauds. The suddenly-present marching ring plays a celebratory beat.
♪ I got my hands on a miracle / And in that location ain't no mode / Let you take it abroad ♪
J.D.'s Narration: ...it tin can fifty-fifty give your center the answer you thought you'd never find.
J.D.: [Turning to Kim] Let's do this.
Kim enthusiastically nods and kisses him.
The song fades. Fade to black.
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